During my senior year of high school football, we were getting ready to play Southern Regional. All week, our coaches told us to watch out for the “sleeper play.” More specifically, as a cornerback, I was to watch out for the sleeper play.

What Southern Regional would do is break the huddle and line up on offense to run a play. Then at the very last moment right before the snap of the ball, they would sneak a player onto the field who would stand just inches inside the out of bounds line. He would then run down the sideline and catch a deep pass.

It was drilled into us (me!) over and over that week–look for the sleeper play!

After we punted on our first possession, Southern Regional lined up for their first offensive play. The receiver I was covering ran a post pattern, which meant he cut over toward the middle of the field. As I cut to go with him, I watched as the quarterback through the ball deep toward the sideline on my side of the field.

I’d forgotten to check for the sleeper play.

Southern Regional went up 7-0. Fortunately, we won the game 21-7, but I’ve never forgotten making that mistake. I knew what to do–I just didn’t do it. I forgot my assignment. I didn’t execute the plan and it cost us a touchdown.

Life can be that way, too. So can marriage. We know what to do. We’ve been told over and over. But somehow the most important things still seem to slip away from us.

Maybe today’s a good day to be reminded of some of the foundational elements of a successful life and marriage. Here are 10 ways to build a stronger marriage beginning right now:

1. Unconditionally Surrender. (Romans 12:1-2) The foundation of a successful life and marriage begins with surrender to God. We will never experience God’s best by doing life our way.

2. See your spouse as God’s perfect gift to you. (Genesis 2:18-25) Rejecting your spouse says much more about your view of God than it does your view of your spouse.

3. Commit to be the best husband or wife you can be. Make it your goal. What’s your alternative, really? Be average? Or pretty good?

4. Be together. Work, soccer games, hobbies, church activities–they can all pull us apart if we’re not careful. Choose to spend time together. Workout together. Cook together. Walk together. Volunteer together. Find what works for you…and be together.

5. Pray together. I confess this is still a weakness for me, but I’m trying to be more consistent. You don’t have to pray long, eloquent prayers. Maybe you just need to start with, “Lord, thank you for my husband/wife. Amen.”

6. Be a student of your spouse to learn his/her needs, then outdo each other in meeting them. Make it a competition if you want to. See who can meet more needs. What does your spouse need from you today? Encouragement? Affection? A love note? A back rub? Some time alone? Some time together? Sex? Learn your spouse’s needs, then go all out meeting them.

7. Don’t be a jerk. Specifically, watch your words and your expectations. Do you talk more than you listen? Are you defensive? Is your tone of voice often rude or angry? Are your expectations unreasonable? Put yourself in your spouse’s shoes for a moment…or a day. I say that especially to us men. Guys, our wives have a much harder job than we do. And that leads to…

8. Give grace. A lot of it. We all make mistakes. We all sin. We all need forgiveness. We all need grace. Overlook an offense. Don’t make an issue out of everything. And if you’re someone who continues to bring up past mistakes and holds them against your spouse–you really need to stop. It’s like throwing gasoline on a fire. Remove the fuel and the fire goes out. It’s time to look your spouse in the eye and say, “I forgive you. I will no longer hold the past against you.”

9. Make sex and romance a priority. If you have a lower sex drive than your spouse, then this will require more effort on your part. And I’m not just talking to wives. I seem to hear more and more about wives who have a higher sex drive than their husbands. The most important thing you can do is communicate with each other and be honest about your needs. Ask God to help you in this area. Don’t ever forget that sex was God’s idea. He gave it to us as a gift and wants you to enjoy it.

Now let me address husband for a moment. Guys, if your wife doesn’t seem very responsive to your sexual needs, then maybe she needs to experience more emotional connection with you. That comes through time together and talking. Go back and read numbers 4, 5 and 6 again.

10. Spice things up. Here are a few things to think about:

• Flirt with each other. Send text messages. Leave voice mails. Leave notes for each other. Build anticipation for when you’ll be together. If you don’t flirt with your spouse, then maybe someone else will.
• Dressing modestly is fine in public, but the bedroom is a “No Modesty Zone.” Maybe it’s time to throw away the worn out pajamas and make a trip to Victoria’s Secret.
• Try this experiment for one week: take the mental and emotional energy you’d normally invest in kids activities or fantasy football or golf or spending time on Facebook and use it to focus on meeting your spouse’s needs. That should spice things up nicely.

11. Get emotionally healthy. This one is last, but by no means is it least. If you are unhealthy, then it’s time to make some changes. I see so many examples of how unresolved emotional issues are damaging to marriages.

Verbal, emotional, physical or sexual abuse are damaging to our identity. When we’ve suffered abuse (or neglect), our self-image is damaged and then we begin to believe things about ourselves that aren’t true. Relating to God and our spouse in a healthy way becomes difficult…sometimes nearly impossible.

If you break your leg, you’d immediately go to the hospital. If your emotions are broken, it’s just as critical to get help. If you are continually struggling with negative emotions and destructive behaviors, you need to seek help.

Angry outbursts, depression, excessive worry, anxiety and panic attacks are a signal something is wrong. If you are controlling, violent, jealous, unforgiving, struggling with addictions or if you blame your spouse (or children or boss or anyone else) for your behavior–something is wrong. Stop making excuses and seek help.

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Of course this list isn’t exhaustive, so what else do you have? Leave a comment.