I believe there are different types of intelligence.

Some people are great at math. Others can easily diagnose what’s wrong with a car engine and get it fixed. One of my sons-in-law can play multiple musical instruments. I have a friend who understands complex electronic equipment.

I have another friend who has what I would call “spatial” intelligence. We used to work together creating various products. He was great at seeing how various types of packaging would work or not work. Some football coaches have a type of intelligence that allows them to design innovative offenses or defenses, schemes that revolutionize the game.

You have a certain type of intelligence. Call it a strength, a gift or ability if you want to. Just develop yours and don’t worry about everyone else. It’s okay that you don’t have the kind of intelligence that others have.

There is one type of intelligence though that all of us need to have. Some people seem to have more of it while some have less of it. And some people have much less of it. And that’s the problem.

I call it “emotional” intelligence.

Someone else might define it differently, but here’s my definition of emotional intelligence…

It’s the ability to build meaningful relationships, work on a team and resolve conflicts. It’s the ability to get along with others and treat them with respect. It’s understanding your own strengths and weaknesses. It’s knowing how you come across to others. It’s knowing what to say, how to say it and when to say it…and when not to say it. It’s being able to read a situation and read someone’s body language. It’s knowing when to shut your mouth and just listen. It’s knowing that you can’t just speak your mind and expect others to “just deal with it.” It’s the ability to put the needs of others before your own.

From what I’ve observed over the years–some people have emotional intelligence and some don’t. If you don’t have it–you need to develop it. Fast. Every one of your relationships depends on it.

Last night, my wife, Robyn, had just finished speaking to a group of college students at a Young Life College meeting on campus. Earlier, I saw an older man come in late to the meeting and sit down. That’s fine, but he just seemed out of place, so I kept an eye on him.

So after Robyn had finished, this man stood up in the meeting and started to make his way toward the front of the room. He was asking if anyone had heard about what God was doing in a certain prison ministry. While the meeting wrapped up, my wife took him aside to listen to him and I made my way over to them.

Robyn did a great job of patiently listening to him, but eventually I interrupted so she could spend time with the college students. Even after I tried to excuse her from the conversation, the man continued on trying to make his point. Whatever point that was.

I wanted to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. Possibly, God was at work. Maybe there was a reason he was there. But the more he continued to talk, the less I wanted to hear what he had to say. His interruption was highly inappropriate. Even rude. He may have thought he was “doing God’s work,” but mostly he was just annoying.

He had no place in the meeting last night, but he couldn’t read the situation. He didn’t know how he was coming across. He didn’t know that his interruption hurt his cause rather than helped it. It didn’t occur to him to ask questions rather than talk endlessly about his own agenda.

A lack of emotional intelligence will kill your relationships or your cause, whatever it is.

So what’s the solution? How do you grow your emotional intelligence?

It begins with the most emotionally intelligent person in history. Jesus. Without Him, we are all spiritually and emotionally lost, broken people. We need Jesus to heal us. Only then, are we capable of becoming the people He wants us to be.

To become more emotionally intelligent requires true humility. The kind Jesus displayed. The kind of humility that allows us to lay aside our rights or needs and put others before ourselves. The kind of humility that allows us to understand we have blind spots–areas of weakness that we can’t see, but others can.

To become more emotionally intelligent may require some serious self-reflection and admitting that maybe we’re the common denominator in all of our dysfunctional relationships. Maybe it’s not that other people just don’t “get you”, but that you’ve been a self-centered jerk. Sadly, a lack of emotional intelligence is the very thing that prevents someone from even being open to the possibility that they could be the problem–not everyone else.

If you’re in a relationship you truly care about, but are experiencing some degree of tension or conflict–try asking the other person questions like these:

• Is there something I’m doing that I may not be aware of that is hurting our relationship?
• What blind spots do you see that I have?
• What have I done that was insensitive to you?
• Do you think I have a good understanding of how I come across to others?

Those may feel like some intimidating questions. Maybe you’d rather not know the answer. Or worse, you just don’t care. And that would probably confirm–you’re suffering from a lack of emotional intelligence.

James 1:19-20 says, “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.”

It’s good advice.  So go ahead–ask the questions. And then listen. Don’t talk. Don’t get angry. Just listen.