There’s nothing more frustrating for a leader than a follower who won’t follow. And there’s nothing more frustrating for a follower than a leader who won’t lead. Now put a passive leader together with an unwilling follower and you’ve got a recipe for confusion, frustration and conflict. Welcome to marriage. Not all marriages, but many.
I find it fascinating that this is the very relationship that is meant to mirror God’s image. You almost want to ask, “Really God? Marriage?”
Yesterday we looked at the command in Ephesians 5 “to be filled with the Spirit.” And we said it begins with surrender, with giving God control of our lives. Then we looked at some of the results of being filled, leaving the more controversial one for today. Here’s what Paul said:
21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
I realize I’m wading into rough waters when I talk about submission. To be honest, I don’t even like the sound of the word. Maybe because it’s used as a club by men who mistakenly believe their wives are servants rather than equal partners. Rough waters or not though, I’m going in. Join me and let’s see where the current takes us.
In verse 21, Paul says we’re to submit to one another. Some have taken that to mean that everyone should live in a spirit of submission to everyone else. But that doesn’t really work, does it? Should I submit to my children? Does a supervisor submit to the employees who report to him?
No, I believe verse 21 is a lead in to the rest of chapter 5 and the beginning of chapter 6 where Paul discusses three relationships and explains how submission works in each one. He looks at the marriage relationship, the parent-child relationship and the master-slave relationship. We’re going to focus on the marriage relationship since it’s the most volatile to discuss.
Paul instructs wives to submit to their husbands. He says that the husband is the head of the wife just like Christ is the head of the church. Just like the church submits to Christ, so wives should submit to their husbands.
I know some of you can feel your blood pressure rising already. I understand. Just stay with me.
When I read the account of creation in Genesis 1-3, I don’t see any emphasis on Eve submitting to Adam. Maybe it was understood or maybe it wasn’t even an issue. I don’t know. I just see a husband and wife, fully equal before God, both charged with ruling over God’s creation. Together. Equally. Maybe they would exercise different roles and bring different strengths and perspectives, but I don’t see any command for Eve to submit to Adam.
Then sin entered the picture.
Once sin was in the equation, Eve is told that, “Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”
The Hebrew word for desire is the same one used in the next chapter when God says to Cain, “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it.”
Sin was crouching at the door desiring to have control of Cain. Eve would now desire to control Adam, but that would not be her God-given position. Instead, Adam would now be the leader in the relationship.
Again, prior to sin, I just don’t think leading and following were an issue. But now, because of sin, there has to be an established order. The husband is to lead and the wife is to follow. This does not mean a husband and wife are not equal. It doesn’t mean the wife is less than. It simply means they have different roles to fulfill.
For a strong woman with the gift of leadership, like my wife, a husband who won’t lead can be very, very frustrating, so let’s take a look at the husband’s responsibility.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”
I find it interesting that Paul uses twice as many words to articulate the husband’s role. Could it be that if the husband correctly fulfills his role then the wife has no problems fulfilling hers? Is much of the pain and confusion in marriage averted if the husband will simply live up to his end of the bargain?
So what does Paul say about the husband’s responsibility? Simply put, the husband is to die. He is to sacrifice his life for his wife, just as Christ did for the church. Period.
Husbands, we are to love our wives like Christ loves us. We’re not to demand our own way, assert our rights or insist things be our way. We are to give up our lives for our wives. We are to desire and bring about what is good and best for her. We are to love her by serving and caring for her. We make meeting her needs the priority over our own needs being met.
Guys, let’s not make it difficult for our wives to follow our lead. Let’s choose to lead well, like Jesus did. I can’t imagine any woman having difficulty following a husband who strives to be the servant-leader that Jesus was.
For those of you who have mistakenly thought that being the leader or head meant being served rather than serving, well, I’m sorry to disappoint you. You’ve had it backwards. Keep in mind, God created Eve because it wasn’t good for Adam to be alone. Just as all the animals he’d just named had mates, Adam needed a mate. He needed someone else like him, so he wouldn’t be alone. He didn’t need a servant. He needed a partner.
Now here’s the most critical point of all: no one can do any of this apart from being filled with the Holy Spirit.
In our own strength, no one wants to submit and no one wants to die. And yet that is what is required to bring about the kind of marriage that will mirror God’s image.
Paul concludes his teaching on marriage in verses 32 and 33:
This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Everything he’s been saying is a picture of Christ’s relationship with the church! When a husband and wife fulfill their roles in the power of the Holy Spirit, we get a glimpse of Christ’s relationship with us.
Regardless of the state of your marriage today, choose to surrender to Christ and allow the Holy Spirit to fill you. You don’t have it in you to pull this off. You need Him. Only through Him can a husband love and lead his wife. And only through Him can a wife follow and respect her husband.
God has a good plan for your marriage and He’s also provided the power to bring it about. His Spirit, working in and through you, is the key.