There’s only one relationship on earth that God compares to His relationship with the church. It’s not the parent-child relationship. It’s not the love between siblings or best friends. It’s certainly not the relationship between a boss and an employee. It’s marriage. The relationship between one man and one woman. For a lifetime.

As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. (Ephesians 5:31-32)

It’s no wonder the apostle Paul calls it a great mystery. Two distinct people with different personalities, different family backgrounds, different tastes in music, different everything…are to come together as one.

But while marriage is a great mystery, understanding why you are or aren’t happy in your marriage isn’t. Let’s look at a formula for figuring out how you got to where you are today in your relationship. Whether you’ve been marriage for two years or fifty-two years, whether you’re happier than you’ve ever been or have never been more miserable, there’s a very simple calculation to explain how you got to where you are.

Here it is:

Everything you have said + everything you have done + everything your spouse has said + everything your spouse has done = Your Marital Satisfaction

That’s it. Nothing else matters. Intentions don’t count. Promises don’t count. What you plan to do tomorrow doesn’t count. Only what you’ve each actually said and done up to this point matters.

Here’s why it’s true:

Don’t be misled—you cannot mock the justice of God. You will always harvest what you plant. Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful nature will harvest decay and death from that sinful nature. But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit. So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up. Therefore, whenever we have the opportunity, we should do good to everyone—especially to those in the family of faith. (Galatians 6:7-10)

We harvest what we plant.

If you’ve been planting passivity, criticism, selfishness, demands to have things your way, disrespect, anger, resentment, impatience or other negative words and actions, then you’re now harvesting the results.

If, on the other hand, you’ve been planting love, kindness, grace, forgiveness, service, humility and you’ve been putting your spouse’s needs before your own, then you’re now enjoying a very different type of harvest.

Of course, most of us (myself included) are somewhere in between those two extremes, so we all have room for improvement.

If you’re not happy with the current state of your marriage, you’ll have to make changes to the four variables: your words, your actions, your spouse’s words, your spouse’s actions.

When I counsel married couples, I encourage them to learn everything they can about each others needs and to then meet them. Why not give it a try? In fact, why not make it a game or competition? See which one of you can meet more needs over the next seven days. If it’s going well, add in some wants too.

To get you started, try this exercise:

Each of you write down three things you’d like your spouse to start doing, three things to stop doing and three things to continue doing. Then find some quiet time to share your answers.

There’s one rule though: you can’t get defensive! When your spouse is sharing, just listen and try to understand what’s being said. If you choose to get angry or defensive, you’ll kill the whole thing.

Obviously, this is a lot more fun and effective if you’re both trying, but you can’t control your spouse, so start without them if you have to. See what happens.