Some random thoughts on marriage from James 3:13-4:7….
Unmet or conflicting desires can lead to fighting. When you put your own wants and desires before your spouse’s, there will inevitably be conflict.
The world’s plan is to put our own needs before our spouse’s needs. James 3:13-18, tells us this will be characterized by envy and selfish ambition. The result is “disorder and every evil practice.”
Patterns of living according to the world’s ways can run deep. What we learned as children from our parents can be very, very tough to unlearn or overcome. Continuing to live according to the world’s plans as an adult will only lead to a very unhealthy and ultimately unsuccessful marriage.
When I spend little time seeking God by reading His word and talking with Him, I will naturally follow the world’s plan for my life. I will pursue my plans, my goals and my desires. James 4:4 compares this type of living to committing adultery against God. When I choose to be a friend of the world, I become an enemy of God. And you never want to have God as your enemy.
Anger and/or depression may be a signal of a wrong or blocked desire or goal. Sometimes it’s a legitimate desire being blocked by a sinful spouse. Sometimes it’s an illegitimate desire being blocked by God. James 4:6 says, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” Yes, God opposes us when we choose to do things our own way and live according to our own plans and desires. Going our own way is the essence of pride.
Pride is what led to Satan’s rebellion against God. It is what leads to “disorder and every evil practice.” The only solution is found in James 4:7, “Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.” We will either submit to God and resist the devil or submit to the devil and resist God.
There are four types of marriages:
The husband has submitted to God and the wife has submitted to God. This relationship is characterized by putting the other’s needs first. The atmosphere of the marriage will be pure, peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. It doesn’t mean everything will always be smooth and free of conflict, but it does mean God is present, at work in both people and the ultimate goal is to please God and advance His kingdom. Together.
The husband has not submitted to God and the wife has not submitted to God. In this relationship, both husband and wife are striving to get their needs met first. This type of relationship is “earthly, unspiritual, of the devil.” There will be envy and selfish ambition, resulting in “disorder and every evil practice.” Does it mean there will never be moments of happiness? No, but this type of marriage will always fall short of God’s intended design, because it’s based on worldly, not godly principles. And most likely, this marriage will fail to last.
The husband has submitted to God, but the wife has not submitted to God. This is a marriage being lived out under conflicting worldviews. The husband is putting God before himself, but the wife is putting herself before God. The husband will most likely feel frustrated by having certain desires, and even needs, go unmet. As far as experiencing all that God intends for them both individually and as a couple, it’s like having a 6-cylinder car that’s only firing on three cylinders. It’ll run, but it’s a slow, rough ride and not very enjoyable.
The husband has not submitted to God, but the wife has submitted to God. Same situation as above, but because the husband is charged with providing leadership in the family and is not, the long-term consequences are worse in this situation. It’s not just the marriage that’s effected, but the children and successive generations.
Sadly, when one spouse chooses to not submit to God, it makes life much more difficult for the spouse who has chosen to live according to God’s ways. The sin of the prideful spouse infects the entire marriage.
Not living in submission to God doesn’t always have to look like active rebellion. It can also manifest as passive indifference. One spouse may be trying to walk obediently with God, but still be indifferent to a spouse’s needs. He or she may not even be aware of this until it is pointed out. Once it’s pointed out though, it becomes sinful to not lovingly meet the legitimate needs of the other.
The more opposite you are from your spouse the more awkward it will feel to express love in the way your spouse can receive it. And if you are not living in submission to God, then you will have little desire and no power to choose to love your spouse.
For example, if a wife is task-oriented, detailed and organized–she may feel more loved by a husband who comes home on time, balances the checkbook to the penny and takes out the garbage on time. If he ignores those things and instead writes her a love note and brings her flowers, she will probably feel misunderstood and even resentful.
The same is true of the wife who tirelessly keeps the house clean, cooks from scratch, does the laundry every night and has the household budget in line, but is so wiped out by 8:00 p.m. she has little energy left for her husband. It may be that he’d prefer dirty floors, piles of laundry and a sandwich for dinner if it means having an energetic wife at bedtime. Of course, the better scenario would be a husband who recognizes her desire to have a clean house and who helps out more with household chores, so she can relax both physically and emotionally.
Regardless of the situation you find yourself in today, the best response is always to submit to God. You can’t change your spouse, but you can cooperate with God to change you.
Submit to God, love your spouse with His power and trust Him to work in your spouse’s life.