Gregg and Robyn Stutts
June 8, 1985
When I perform a wedding ceremony, I tell couples that remembering and applying three words–be, receive, deny–will guarantee a great marriage.
It begins with choosing to be the right person. Before we’re married, we worry about finding the right person. Once we’re married and things get hard, we start wondering if we’ve married the right person. Then we begin trying to change what we don’t like about our spouse so we can make them the right person.
Well, if you’re already married, you can stop wondering if you’re married to the right person. Once you said, “I do”, your spouse became the right person. God now sees you as one. And as far as changing your spouse—you can’t, so don’t bother trying. All you can do is work on you.
Before the apostle Paul gave instructions to husbands and wives, he said, “Don’t be drunk with wine, because that will ruin your life. Instead, be filled with the Holy Spirit…” (Ephesians 5:18)
To be filled with His Spirit means to live under His influence. It’s depending on His power and wisdom, not your own. As you do that, you will become the husband or wife God wants you to be.
Next is to receive your spouse as a gift from God. Genesis 2:21-22 says, “…the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.”
Eve was God’s gift to Adam and Adam was God’s gift to Eve. A gift is not only given, it must also be received. We must choose to receive our spouse as God’s gift to us. Rejecting your spouse is to reject God’s gift and provision for you. Regardless of how long you’ve been married, choose to once again receive your spouse from God.
By the way, when things get tough–and they will–you will need to trust God’s character. You will need to believe He is good and faithful and can help you through whatever you’re facing. If you don’t know Him very well, then it will be difficult to trust Him. And if you don’t trust Him, it will be much easier to reject rather than receive His gift to you. Getting to know Him better may be the greatest thing you can do for your marriage.
Finally, deny yourself. In Luke 9:23, Jesus said to His disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.”
Our natural tendency is to put ourselves first, but Jesus makes it clear we must deny ourselves, even die to ourselves if we are to follow Him. The principle holds true in marriage as well. Marriage only works if I deny myself and put my spouse’s needs before my own.
None of this easy. Rather than admit we haven’t been the right person, we’d rather point a finger at our spouse. Sometimes we even point that finger at God and blame Him for giving us the wrong person. And we demand our needs be met while failing to meet our spouse’s needs.
So no, this isn’t easy, but what’s the alternative? Quit trying? Get a divorce? Stay together and be miserable? Hope your spouse dies sooner than later?
If you’ve tried marriage your way and it hasn’t worked, maybe it’s time to try it God’s way.
Be. Receive. Deny.